And as I cast my eyes round about, that perhaps I might discover my family

Warning... This post has the potential of being umm HEAVY! I probably should not post late at night but today's events are just the tip of the iceberg that has been building for years.

Tonight I found out on facebook that my sweet great niece was life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital after an accident at a public swimming pool. I was heart broken to find out this way, but I realize I should not be surprised. I have spent most my life feeling like I was on the outside looking in on a world I wanted to be a part of but never felt a part of.  (Except for the nightmare parts) Did that make any sense?

Let me explain....

I grew up in a home where life was hard. We were poor and troubled. As early as 2nd grade I can remember staying late at school helping my teacher, Mrs Clark, clean out her closets. (that maybe where my obsession with school supplies came from). I did not like going home. There was lots of yelling and hitting and inappropriate touching.
In third grade I remember being evicted from our home. I do not remember where my older brother and sister lived, but I lived with a friend, Jeannie Jacobson. I remember trying to be so brave and not worried that I would never live with my family again. I remember one saturday night trying to put my hair in curlers. I had this great set of curlers my Aunt Mary gave me (or atleast I thinks she did)! It had like 5 sizes and they were all stacked inside each other. Jeannies mom asked if she could help me put the curlers in my hair. I lied to her and told her I did my own hair all the time. (the truth was I screamed bloody murder whenever anyone washed or combed my hair and here I was trying to do it myself. maybe this is where I learned to be embarrassed at excepting help) My younger sister and brother lived with my parents in a motel room.
I don't remember how long we were apart, but when you are 7 or 8 anything more than a night or two seems forever. Since that time I have always felt like an outsider in my own family.

I have these amazingly beautiful cousins, they are at least 4 years older than I am but I worshipped them. Sherrie, Jenny, Lori and Lydia. When we hd family reunions they were the teenagers and I was one of the little kids. I wanted to be just like them. Again on the outside looking in.

When I was 11 or so I started watching my Aunt Mary's cute kids. Next to my Grandma, Aunt Mary has always been my hero. Again though I was the outsider just watching her family, wishing to be a part of it.

When I was 11 I also went to my first foster home. I remember wanting to be with my Grandma or Aunt Mary but couldn't. I was once again the outsider looking in. I love the Witts and am so grateful for all they taught me. I am grateful for the sacrifices they made for me, for the love they gave me and for the way they strengthened my tiny testimony.

I was allowed to go home 6 months later. My dad spent one night in jail, I spent 6 months away. Although I am old enough now to know I did not do anything wrong, back then I was sure everything was my fault.
I had learned to feel safe at church, and went as often as I could. It caused serious problems at home and my Dad told me I had to choose between my church and my family. My Mom told him to leave. This made me feel even more like I didn't belong. I remember everyone being mad.

A few years later my mom had a boyfriend who was inapproriate with me. My mom was drunk and didn't believe me. The next night he wanted to take our family to dinner and a rated R movie. No way was I going. My mom was so mad. She told me I could leave. She told me my religion was more important than my family and I was not welcome anymore. I was sure she was drunk, they all left and I stayed home. The next day all my stuff was packed. she was obviously not as drunk as I thought she was. I called my friend Stephen who called his friend David who called his Mom and they said I could stay at their house. I stayed that night and never left.

I know I made their life hard. Thou they never complained. Yet even almost 30 years later I still feel like the outsider looking in. Wanting so much to be a part of their lives but not quite comfortable enough to jump in.

So I guess I should not be surprised that facebook is my source of information for all things family. It is the epitomy of wanting to be a part but not feeling a part.

side note I cut this post short because my daughter had an emergency that needed to be attended to... we might revisit this topic later

Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience 1 Thes 1:3

I am a week late in posting this blog... and I did it on purpose!
:o)

Krysta's birthday was last Monday. Part of her story is that she was a week late, and I was miserable! She has asked every day if her post was done... I would tell her "I am working on it".

These two seemingly opposite character traits (tardiness and anxiousness) have been with Krysta from the very beginning. Her story actually starts the day Daniel was born. Earl's parents came to the hospital to see DJ (their name for Dan) Earl was walking them to the elevator and Earl's mom said to Earl "there is a little girl up there for you and she wont be waiting very long!" When Earl came back and told me this (it was less than 12 hours after giving birth to our 2nd son) I was irritated! Ok maybe more that irritated.

If you read Dan's story than you know I was pretty sick with him, and the delivery was in the dark. Since I had so many issues the Doctor to extra care after the delivery to see that my health was getting better. I had my regular 6 week check up and was feeling much better, but to be safe he wanted to see me in 6 more weeks. There was a lot going at that time and my 2nd six week check up became a 10 week check up. Dr. John asked how I was feeling and I remember telling him "better than I have in a whole year". He said "oh good, cause you are doing this all over again". I said "yeah in a few years I will". His reply "no, now!" I was so confused, and I guess he could tell cause he said "You are pregnant again!" I remember bursting into tears, how could this happen! I was taking birth control pills, Earl had been out of town, I had started back to work, we had our anniversary night together that was it! How could I be pregnant. I had this little exchange with him and he assured me he had the lab test the "sample" twice and they did a blood test too just to make sure.

So here I was 22 years old with a 2 year old a 4 month old and pregnant!
I think I cried myself to sleep every night for a week. How was I going to do this, how could I take care of my 2 boys, work and go thru another pregnancy. Devastated was not even close to the way I felt. What would people say about me too. (I was voted most likely to have 2.5 children by our 5 yr high school reunion, and here I was...)

As time went buy (and I realized this was happening whether I was ready or not, I wanted a large family, 10 or 12 would have been just fine for me, just not one right after the other) I started to get excited for this baby.
I noticed one thing right away... I was pregant and I hadn't thrown up once! I was changing poopy diapers without throwing up. I could cook and not throw up! I was going to work, shopping, church and not throwing up! I thought something was wrong so I went back to the doctor just to check. By this time I was far enough along to hear her heartbeat. Dr. John was known for knowing boys and girls just by the rate of the heartbeat. When he said it was a girl I was smitten. Who knew you could love someone so much only having heard their heartbeat. I remeber being on cloud 9 from then on.

It was my easiest preganancy! After Dan I needed that. I never threw up, I never passed out, not one headache! I was so loving being pregnant! I loved being able to feel her growing and moving (and she did a lot of moving). I was so anxious to see this little gal, to meet her, to tell her all about who she was named after. We originally had chosen Sarah Lydia she would be named after 2 grandmas. Two amazing women! (Sarah Lydia was the name we had chosen for Marcus if he was a girl, we never changed)
I had so many plans for a little girl.

January came along and Earl's work changed insurance. I found out I could not see Dr. John with our new insurance, for the first time since I found out I was expecting I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I didn't want to go thru a pregancy, even one as simple as this one was going, without him! He knew me, he had sacrificed for me. I remember my first visit to the HMO. We had to do our own urine strip tests, we didn't see a doctor we saw a nurse or midwife, who did little more than check our blood pressure, make sure there was a heartbeat and send us on our way. You never saw the same person when you went in either. It was always a new person. I hated it, I felt nervous and unsettled the rest of the pregancy.

Over the couse of the next few months there were several little ones born to friends and family... and a lot of them were named Sarah. we started thinking our choice of names. I had a good friend from elementary to high school who had a big sister I just idolized. Kari was my friend and Krista was her big sister. Krista was cute and skinny and talented and spritual and I had always loved her and her name. Since Earl won on names for the first son he let me win on names for the first girl. so we changed our name choice to Krysta Michelle. Michelle was after my sister twin (she is a whole post of her own)

Krysta was due June 21st. As June drew near I was starting to get uncomfortable. It had to be the hotest June ever! Dan was still not walking so I was carrying a 20 lb baby everywhere too. At work there were 4 of us pregant and due right around the same time. (3 of us were swing managers and one was trainer I was working at McDonalds). The daytime managers thought it was hysterical to put all of us on the front conter during the busy lunch rush! (dumb boys) I was ready to meet this little wiggly thing and be done with being pregnant.

On June 21st I started having some pretty intense contractions while at work. I remember Phil (the manager on duty, single guy about 19 or 20 years old) totally freaking out. He called Earl to come get me, then told me to sit in the back with my legs crossed. (yeah that will work)
When we got to the doctors office (with the new insurance you had to go to the doctors office to see if you were really in labor) they were packed with people and we waited for a long time. While sitting there waiting the contractions stopped! Two nights later the contractions started again. Since it was late we could go to the insurance company's hospital, I was there for over an hour waiting for someone to see us. When it was finally my turn, I was told I was not progressing so I should go home until I was.
The next morning Earl called Dr John for advice. I was only 3 days over but I was nervous. He told us to plan an epidural and then the insurance company would let us go to a different hospital. He had privileges at Holy Cross and could be there to help. On the 28th I woke up early to get ready to go to the temple for a friends wedding. The contractions started again but I wasn't about to be told to go home so I tried to ignore them. After a soak in the tub and not being able to get out Earl won. I was going to the doctor. We had to stop at the doctor's office to confirm I was in labor. They took one look at me and I got to be first to see a midwife.
She asked Earl which pregnacy this was and when he told her the 4th she handed him a whole box of those pads they put under you to absorb water and other fluids, and said "put these on the seat and floor of the car. I hope you make it to the hospital"! It was 11:30 am on a friday! We were on 21st S and Redwood Rd and had to get to I think 10th S and 9th E. We made record time. When we got to the hospital Earl called Dr John. he was in another delivery at a different hospital. We met our midwife and I was terrified, I just had this overwhelming feeling that something wasn't right. It was now 12:00 and the epidural man was doing his job, but so was Krysta. The nurse called the midwife into the room because she was coming. As she came out the umbilical chord was wrapped around her twice.
The midwife just kind of stood there. I don't remember a lot of what happened in the room at that moment. I remember the nurse leaving the room and Earls face draining of all color and then Earl and I both being sprayed with blood. I remember the room going white and then waking up in a another room.

Krysta was born at 12:28 pm weighing a wopping 8 lbs 6 oz and 21 inches.
She was wiggly and pale, and stole our hearts. Especially her Daddy's! She has been his little girl ever since!

Here we are 19 years later with our Krysta Michelle, she has never stopped wiggling, she is still late and still in a hurry for everything. We love her. She is a lot of work but a lot of rewards too.