And as I cast my eyes round about, that perhaps I might discover my family

Warning... This post has the potential of being umm HEAVY! I probably should not post late at night but today's events are just the tip of the iceberg that has been building for years.

Tonight I found out on facebook that my sweet great niece was life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital after an accident at a public swimming pool. I was heart broken to find out this way, but I realize I should not be surprised. I have spent most my life feeling like I was on the outside looking in on a world I wanted to be a part of but never felt a part of.  (Except for the nightmare parts) Did that make any sense?

Let me explain....

I grew up in a home where life was hard. We were poor and troubled. As early as 2nd grade I can remember staying late at school helping my teacher, Mrs Clark, clean out her closets. (that maybe where my obsession with school supplies came from). I did not like going home. There was lots of yelling and hitting and inappropriate touching.
In third grade I remember being evicted from our home. I do not remember where my older brother and sister lived, but I lived with a friend, Jeannie Jacobson. I remember trying to be so brave and not worried that I would never live with my family again. I remember one saturday night trying to put my hair in curlers. I had this great set of curlers my Aunt Mary gave me (or atleast I thinks she did)! It had like 5 sizes and they were all stacked inside each other. Jeannies mom asked if she could help me put the curlers in my hair. I lied to her and told her I did my own hair all the time. (the truth was I screamed bloody murder whenever anyone washed or combed my hair and here I was trying to do it myself. maybe this is where I learned to be embarrassed at excepting help) My younger sister and brother lived with my parents in a motel room.
I don't remember how long we were apart, but when you are 7 or 8 anything more than a night or two seems forever. Since that time I have always felt like an outsider in my own family.

I have these amazingly beautiful cousins, they are at least 4 years older than I am but I worshipped them. Sherrie, Jenny, Lori and Lydia. When we hd family reunions they were the teenagers and I was one of the little kids. I wanted to be just like them. Again on the outside looking in.

When I was 11 or so I started watching my Aunt Mary's cute kids. Next to my Grandma, Aunt Mary has always been my hero. Again though I was the outsider just watching her family, wishing to be a part of it.

When I was 11 I also went to my first foster home. I remember wanting to be with my Grandma or Aunt Mary but couldn't. I was once again the outsider looking in. I love the Witts and am so grateful for all they taught me. I am grateful for the sacrifices they made for me, for the love they gave me and for the way they strengthened my tiny testimony.

I was allowed to go home 6 months later. My dad spent one night in jail, I spent 6 months away. Although I am old enough now to know I did not do anything wrong, back then I was sure everything was my fault.
I had learned to feel safe at church, and went as often as I could. It caused serious problems at home and my Dad told me I had to choose between my church and my family. My Mom told him to leave. This made me feel even more like I didn't belong. I remember everyone being mad.

A few years later my mom had a boyfriend who was inapproriate with me. My mom was drunk and didn't believe me. The next night he wanted to take our family to dinner and a rated R movie. No way was I going. My mom was so mad. She told me I could leave. She told me my religion was more important than my family and I was not welcome anymore. I was sure she was drunk, they all left and I stayed home. The next day all my stuff was packed. she was obviously not as drunk as I thought she was. I called my friend Stephen who called his friend David who called his Mom and they said I could stay at their house. I stayed that night and never left.

I know I made their life hard. Thou they never complained. Yet even almost 30 years later I still feel like the outsider looking in. Wanting so much to be a part of their lives but not quite comfortable enough to jump in.

So I guess I should not be surprised that facebook is my source of information for all things family. It is the epitomy of wanting to be a part but not feeling a part.

side note I cut this post short because my daughter had an emergency that needed to be attended to... we might revisit this topic later

Remembering without ceasing your work of faith, and labour of love, and patience 1 Thes 1:3

I am a week late in posting this blog... and I did it on purpose!
:o)

Krysta's birthday was last Monday. Part of her story is that she was a week late, and I was miserable! She has asked every day if her post was done... I would tell her "I am working on it".

These two seemingly opposite character traits (tardiness and anxiousness) have been with Krysta from the very beginning. Her story actually starts the day Daniel was born. Earl's parents came to the hospital to see DJ (their name for Dan) Earl was walking them to the elevator and Earl's mom said to Earl "there is a little girl up there for you and she wont be waiting very long!" When Earl came back and told me this (it was less than 12 hours after giving birth to our 2nd son) I was irritated! Ok maybe more that irritated.

If you read Dan's story than you know I was pretty sick with him, and the delivery was in the dark. Since I had so many issues the Doctor to extra care after the delivery to see that my health was getting better. I had my regular 6 week check up and was feeling much better, but to be safe he wanted to see me in 6 more weeks. There was a lot going at that time and my 2nd six week check up became a 10 week check up. Dr. John asked how I was feeling and I remember telling him "better than I have in a whole year". He said "oh good, cause you are doing this all over again". I said "yeah in a few years I will". His reply "no, now!" I was so confused, and I guess he could tell cause he said "You are pregnant again!" I remember bursting into tears, how could this happen! I was taking birth control pills, Earl had been out of town, I had started back to work, we had our anniversary night together that was it! How could I be pregnant. I had this little exchange with him and he assured me he had the lab test the "sample" twice and they did a blood test too just to make sure.

So here I was 22 years old with a 2 year old a 4 month old and pregnant!
I think I cried myself to sleep every night for a week. How was I going to do this, how could I take care of my 2 boys, work and go thru another pregnancy. Devastated was not even close to the way I felt. What would people say about me too. (I was voted most likely to have 2.5 children by our 5 yr high school reunion, and here I was...)

As time went buy (and I realized this was happening whether I was ready or not, I wanted a large family, 10 or 12 would have been just fine for me, just not one right after the other) I started to get excited for this baby.
I noticed one thing right away... I was pregant and I hadn't thrown up once! I was changing poopy diapers without throwing up. I could cook and not throw up! I was going to work, shopping, church and not throwing up! I thought something was wrong so I went back to the doctor just to check. By this time I was far enough along to hear her heartbeat. Dr. John was known for knowing boys and girls just by the rate of the heartbeat. When he said it was a girl I was smitten. Who knew you could love someone so much only having heard their heartbeat. I remeber being on cloud 9 from then on.

It was my easiest preganancy! After Dan I needed that. I never threw up, I never passed out, not one headache! I was so loving being pregnant! I loved being able to feel her growing and moving (and she did a lot of moving). I was so anxious to see this little gal, to meet her, to tell her all about who she was named after. We originally had chosen Sarah Lydia she would be named after 2 grandmas. Two amazing women! (Sarah Lydia was the name we had chosen for Marcus if he was a girl, we never changed)
I had so many plans for a little girl.

January came along and Earl's work changed insurance. I found out I could not see Dr. John with our new insurance, for the first time since I found out I was expecting I didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I didn't want to go thru a pregancy, even one as simple as this one was going, without him! He knew me, he had sacrificed for me. I remember my first visit to the HMO. We had to do our own urine strip tests, we didn't see a doctor we saw a nurse or midwife, who did little more than check our blood pressure, make sure there was a heartbeat and send us on our way. You never saw the same person when you went in either. It was always a new person. I hated it, I felt nervous and unsettled the rest of the pregancy.

Over the couse of the next few months there were several little ones born to friends and family... and a lot of them were named Sarah. we started thinking our choice of names. I had a good friend from elementary to high school who had a big sister I just idolized. Kari was my friend and Krista was her big sister. Krista was cute and skinny and talented and spritual and I had always loved her and her name. Since Earl won on names for the first son he let me win on names for the first girl. so we changed our name choice to Krysta Michelle. Michelle was after my sister twin (she is a whole post of her own)

Krysta was due June 21st. As June drew near I was starting to get uncomfortable. It had to be the hotest June ever! Dan was still not walking so I was carrying a 20 lb baby everywhere too. At work there were 4 of us pregant and due right around the same time. (3 of us were swing managers and one was trainer I was working at McDonalds). The daytime managers thought it was hysterical to put all of us on the front conter during the busy lunch rush! (dumb boys) I was ready to meet this little wiggly thing and be done with being pregnant.

On June 21st I started having some pretty intense contractions while at work. I remember Phil (the manager on duty, single guy about 19 or 20 years old) totally freaking out. He called Earl to come get me, then told me to sit in the back with my legs crossed. (yeah that will work)
When we got to the doctors office (with the new insurance you had to go to the doctors office to see if you were really in labor) they were packed with people and we waited for a long time. While sitting there waiting the contractions stopped! Two nights later the contractions started again. Since it was late we could go to the insurance company's hospital, I was there for over an hour waiting for someone to see us. When it was finally my turn, I was told I was not progressing so I should go home until I was.
The next morning Earl called Dr John for advice. I was only 3 days over but I was nervous. He told us to plan an epidural and then the insurance company would let us go to a different hospital. He had privileges at Holy Cross and could be there to help. On the 28th I woke up early to get ready to go to the temple for a friends wedding. The contractions started again but I wasn't about to be told to go home so I tried to ignore them. After a soak in the tub and not being able to get out Earl won. I was going to the doctor. We had to stop at the doctor's office to confirm I was in labor. They took one look at me and I got to be first to see a midwife.
She asked Earl which pregnacy this was and when he told her the 4th she handed him a whole box of those pads they put under you to absorb water and other fluids, and said "put these on the seat and floor of the car. I hope you make it to the hospital"! It was 11:30 am on a friday! We were on 21st S and Redwood Rd and had to get to I think 10th S and 9th E. We made record time. When we got to the hospital Earl called Dr John. he was in another delivery at a different hospital. We met our midwife and I was terrified, I just had this overwhelming feeling that something wasn't right. It was now 12:00 and the epidural man was doing his job, but so was Krysta. The nurse called the midwife into the room because she was coming. As she came out the umbilical chord was wrapped around her twice.
The midwife just kind of stood there. I don't remember a lot of what happened in the room at that moment. I remember the nurse leaving the room and Earls face draining of all color and then Earl and I both being sprayed with blood. I remember the room going white and then waking up in a another room.

Krysta was born at 12:28 pm weighing a wopping 8 lbs 6 oz and 21 inches.
She was wiggly and pale, and stole our hearts. Especially her Daddy's! She has been his little girl ever since!

Here we are 19 years later with our Krysta Michelle, she has never stopped wiggling, she is still late and still in a hurry for everything. We love her. She is a lot of work but a lot of rewards too.

And the woman bare a son... Judges 13:24

Happy Birthday Marcus. Miracle #1

22 years ago (yesterday) I had a baby boy! It was the start of motherhood!
Who knew it would be such a wild ride.

When I got pregnant with Marcus I wasn't "trying" but we weren't avoiding it either.
Earl was 27 when we got married, and all though I was just a baby he wasn't getting any younger. :o)

Needless to say Marcus was a honeymoon baby. We started out marriage with me tossing my cookies and passing out. I am sure Earl wondered what he had gotten himself into.
Toast, cooking eggs, car exhaust, cologne just about anything I could smell would cause me to lose it.

side note We were married in August and I found out at the end of october that I was pregnant. We were so excited. I only ever wanted to be a mom!

I remember going to the doctor and being terrified. (please note that from the time I was 15 til I got married I could probably count all my "cycles" on one hand, so using that as a judge was not an option for me)
I remember my doctor (he was new to me, His nme was Dr Nelson, but we have come to call him Dr. John) asking me when my last cycle was. I said I think it was April but it could have been March and he said... YOU ARE JUST NOW COMING TO THE DOCTOR?!!
The Dr left, the nurse came in, gave me the CUP, and pointed to the "room".
20 minutes later they came in and said yep your pregnant. (I had done an in home and had a good idea) They listened for a heart beat, measured my belly and told me I was probably do late April or May. I remember saying um can that be right, I didn't get married until August! The nurse said "you don't have to be married to get pregnant".
I remember being angry and thinking I am never coming back here, I said to her... I DO! I remember Dr John getting a big smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye, and he said what day did you get married. I told him and he said ok, lets set your due date for June 12th. That was 9 months and 2 weeks to the day I got married.

In November we were at the Tabernacle for Region conference. I had a horrible back ache (not hard to get on those benches) and needed to go to th girls room. The closest restroom was in another building. I told Earl I would try to be back before the conference started. (please understand Earl is early for EVERYTHING, so we had been sitting for a long time). When I reached the restroom there was the ususal "line". When it was my turn I was not prepared for what happened next.
I had started spotting and I had no idea what to do. I wanted my mom and big sisters. I remember starting to sob, and since there was a line.... someone finally asked me if I was ok and I explained. She had me come lay on the couch that was provided for nursing mothers... then she went to get help. Pres Hunter called my husband out of the meeting (which had started) and told him to meet his wife at the visitor center. Meanwhile some of the biggest MALE security guys were invading the ladies room. An ambulance was called and my first ambulance trip followed. Earl reached the visitor center as they were wheeling me out. He had to go get the car and meet us at the hospital. We found out that day that my placenta had attached near the bottom of the uterus, a condition they called placenta previa. They told me it could be worse and that I just needed to be more careful than most pregnant moms.
No lifting, no long walks, no sitting on hard benches for hours to get the good seats :o) and working was to be shorter shifts. I was so bummed I had just gotten a new fulltime job at a cute card shop. It required heavy lifting and long hours standing.
I had a couple more spotting episodes and passed out a few more times and threw up a lot more times, but we were so excited.
Then on June 11th my sister Paula and here family were at my mom and dad's painting. They were trying to get it done before my Mom got home from youth conference. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the bath tub and my sister says to me... "are you in labor?" I looked at her like she was crazy. I said no, and she said "why are you scrubbing the tub then?" duh it needed to be done. an hour or so later I was talking to a friend on the phone and she said are you in labor. I said NO! and she said are ya sure every 7 minutes you breathe funny! I thought everyone was stupid! I had a horrible backache, and I was crabby but I was not having contractions. I was the pregnant one, I think I would know if I was in labor. After another hour of people discussing me, I finally agreed to go to the hospital just to be checked. I knew I would be coming home. I wouldn't even let Earl bring the bag into the hospital. I was ticked. I complained about everyone and everyting all the way there. I kept telling the nurse how my family forced me to come in, she just smiled and said lets check things out. At about 3 o'clock she said. I think we are going to have a baby today! I remember rolling my eyes.
At about 5 o clock all my mom's showed up at the hospital (that's another post).
At 6 I got an epidural and everyone decided to go get some dinner. At 7 the doctor came and checked in on me. He said you are only at a 6. I am going to join my family for dinner, my daughter graduated yesterday, then I will be back. At 7:30 I said I need to push, the nurse oh you probably just need to go to the bathroom. At 8 I said um no I need to push. She said (in that ok, you have no idea what you are talking about, but i will humor you voice) ok i will just check and see how you are doing, I am sure where you were only a 6 an hour ago it will be a while before you can push. She checked, then went to the door and said to someone else could you call Dr. Nelson and the on call doc. She came back and showed Earl what to do to help me, and then said can you wait a few til the doctor gets here. At 8:30 Dr John was back. At 9:30 Dr John said this isn't working we are going to need some help. Your hips are this big and he shows his hands hip width apart, your baby's head is this big and he stretched his arms as far as they could go. He came back with another doctor and what Earl calls the salad spoons.
At 10:19 pm a screaming baby boy who looked just like a little man was born. weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz and 22 inches long. He was long and skinny and perfect, and worth all the effort.

Marcus, I love you! You are an amazing young man. You have a lot of people who love and admire you. You are a lucky young man. I love your sense of humor and your big mushy heart.
Thanks for letting me be The Mom!

For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him: 1 Sam 1:27

I am a bit late on this post but you know me (see previous post)

June 6th is a BIG day at our house. It is the day I had twins 3 years apart. (that was a phrase my dad and grandpa used to describe them and it has stuck)

I decided this year to honor them by sharing the stories of how they came to be.

Since Daniel accused Katee of hijacking his birthday, I will tell his story first.

Daniel would be my hardest pregnancy EVER. I had a hard time getting pregnant with him (we had lost a baby after Marcus and the doctor thought trying again would help)
So after months of daily temperature taking and pill popping I finally got pregnant. then came the daily puking and passing out and dehydrating and IV therapy. Oh yeah pregancy was a JOY (i was never listening to a doctor AGAIN, I should have been smart enough to know that is how they make their money! One day Earl took me to Madison Memorial for IV therapy (for those who don't know what that is they hook you up to an IV to rehydrate you, I laid there for hours while they pumped fluids in me so i could go home and pee and puke all night and do it all over the next day)
On this particular morning we had a hard time finding a sitter for Marcus, we had had a problem with the car and then to top it off the heplock (i think that is what it is called) needed to be moved. (Remember I am dehydrated, pregant and sleep deprived) It took 4 nurses and 2 doctors before they finally found a vein. Earl was a couple hours late for work and frustrated. Instead of going to work he called his folks to come move us home. Earl packed while his parents traveled. He was late coming to pick me up from the hospital and I was an emotional mess (I know when haven't I been). When he picked me up his parents were already on the road with our stuff. I was attending Ricks College at the time and he never even withdrew me from school (he figured it was no big deal since I had been to sick to attend class for quite a while, but most my teachers were pretty sympathetic and tried to help).
We moved home to Salt Lake and although I still threw up almost every day it finally got some what better. Then March hit. I started having these horrible headaches. I couldn't stand sound or light or touch or smell. All things that are hard to avoid when you already have a preschooler in the house. My doctor was quite worried he could see the stress I was under physically but what wasn't really known was the stress it was causing the baby. I was having ultrasounds weekly. Dan wasn't due until June 21st. We still had a long way to go. Dr John told me if I cold endure it until May they would see if the baby was developed enough to deliver early. In May we had an amnio done (that is where they insert a LARGE needle into the the uterus and take some of the amniotic fluid and analyze it, i don't know if they even still do it) the news was not good. Dr John said no way was he ready to be delivered. There would be too many complications. He said we would try again in a couple weeks.
Meanwhile they still kept soing ultrasounds and other tests. I showed no signs of high blood pressure or any other known pregnancy complications. On June 1st we had another amnio done. It was a friday, the answer still no. On June 4th we had another done, they didn't normally do one that soon but he had a feeling.It was late on the 4th when the test was done and we knew we would not get results back until the next after noon. On June 5th Dr John cancelled his appointments and spent the day in the temple. He knew at that time that his choices were the mom or the baby. When he finished a couple sessions at the temple he called for the results. He called us and said that the baby could be delivered at any time and may have a few complications but nothing serious. He scheduled me a room at the hospital and asked us to come right now! We got to the hospital at 6:30 in the evening. He did not feel I was physically able to handle major surgery and felt that inducing labor was the best bet. For the next 8 hours we would live mostly in the dark again puking my guts out. At 3 am on wednesday June 6th Dr John came in and said lets get this baby out. (I am sure the nurse was GRATEFUL, I know she hated me, I had given her too much to clean up) at 3:15 at LDS hospital, with one light at the end of the bed set up so the doctor could see what he was doing, I was given the ok to push. I of course had an epidural and pushing isn't so easy when you are numb, so my irritated nurse gave one good push on my belly and no lie there he was. An 8 lbs 8 oz, 21 inch long screaming mad baby boy who looked just like his grandma Reed was plopped on my belly... and you guessed it I threw up yet again! I am grateful to say the puking has stopped and for the most part the headaches ;o)

Dan is and always has been mischievous. He has always had a mind and a will of his own. He has always been a happy helper. He has always been a tease! He has always been determined. He is smart and talented and a JOY to have in our family.

Katee's turn....

Katee is our miracle baby number 4!

After Krysta was born I was told that I had too many babies to close together and my falopian tubes were too scarred to be able to get pregnant again... silly me I believed them (I didn't have Dr John for Krysta's pregnacy cause we had a different insurance)

I was about 4 months along when I found out I was pregnant with Katee. (don't judge me without knowing my medical history, if I counted "cycles" I had since I was 15 I probably wouldn't use all my fingers) I was so excited. I wanted Krysta to have a sister, but didn't think it was possible without lots of medical intervention ( I had forgotten who was really in charge). Her pregnancy was smooth sailing (if I ever threw up with her I must have thought it was the flu, it was the passing out that made me go to the doctor, and I only did it twice, not so with my other pregnancies)
Then February hit (pun intended). On February 17th we were headed to my brother in laws military graduation thingy. I had just taken my seat belt off to turn around and give a screaming toddler back her blankie, as I was turning back around I saw a yellow light and another car turning right into us! We were going about 40 mph and the person turning was just in the perfect place to hit right into us. I remember Krysta's car seat flying forward and slamming into the back of my seat. (btw i was a passenger not a driver) When we stopped I jumped out to see if Krys was ok. As I did I realized I was not! I had slammed tummy first into the dash board, I remember hitting my head on the front windshield but didn't worry about me, until I reached down to flip the seat forward to get to Krysta (the car was a 2 door) I had never felt a contraction like the one I experienced. I don't ever remember getting to Krysta, I just remember hitting the curb and then passing out. Next thing I knew people from the bank on the corner were putting pillows from their couch under me, then my parents showed up and the paramedics. My parents lived just around the corner, and the people from the bank had called them to come get the kids. They were fine and so was Earl other than having a few sore ribs from hitting the steering wheel.and a few cuts from broken glass. I remember the paramedics having a discussion about the safest way to transport me, and then being taken away in an ambulance. I was terrified, contractions while being strapped to a board are not easy to endure. I remember the look on the paremedics face everytime I had a contraction, I am pretty sure he had not delivered a baby and was certain he did not want to do it then either. when we reached the nearest hospital and they were certain nothing was broken (water included) they called my Dr John (we were so grateful to have insurance that we could see him with again) They explained to him that everything was intact EXCEPT I had a HUGE hematoma on my uterus (i know now that hematoma is a fancy way of saying bloodblister or bruise, mine was more like a blood blister). Dr John wanted me at a hospital where he could see me. My contractions had slowed but I was for sure still in premature labor!
So back in the ambulance I went, feet first, strapped to a board and traveling up the hills in Salt Lake's avenues. You guessed it ... I tossed my morning cheerios all over me and the paramedic. Dr John met the ambulance at the ER (isn't he the best Dr. EVER) I was strapped and/or plugged into every monitoring device LDS hospital could provide! After a few minutes they had the contractions almost gone, they had determined that the baby was fine and they had a new teaching case. Every med student in town was there. People, phones and books were everywhere (remember this was pre-full blown intenet) they were all trying to find information on similar cases. They knew both patients were stable, they knew Katee was too early to deliver but they didn't know what would happen if that blood blister were to burst.
After a couple days in the hospital they let me go home, with strict instructions that if the contractions started up again, I would get to the closest ER.
Dr John's goal was to not let me go into labor alone. So every week for the next 3 months I saw him, I saw the ultra sound techs and sat thru many hours of stress tests. Finally on June 4th Dr John said lets have a baby, she is developed enough to not have too many complications. I was given the choice of being induced that night, but it was my big brothers birthday and Sunday was Dano's birthday, so could we wait until Monday? No one knew what was going to happen when I actually went into labor so they wanted to be prepared for everything so Dr John agreed that monday would be the day. He would have the OR prepped and the Peds on call there (just in case) and well monday gave us all time to prepare. On sunday morning I woke up and got ready for church and started getting the kids ready. It was fast sunday and I was so excited to be going to church, I had so much to be grateful for. It was Dano's 3rd birthday and I had scored the toys he really wanted. Then the mother of all contractions hit! Oh my! My gut told me this was for real. We had 3 more weeks until she was due, but I knew this was it! We had no plans for the kids, the plans were for the next day. We quickly made calls to friends who came to get the kids and Dano's birthday cake and presents. Dano was mad. His grandpa was supposed to being coming for birthday cake, Grandpa Fillmore was his favorite.

Earl had called the ER at LDS hospital and let them know we were on our way, they took care of paging Dr John. We knew there could be complications and we had an amazing peditrician. He was an intern at a different hospital, but had another Dr who would come with him that had privileges at LDS so we felt ready, we just needed my dad for a blessing. When we reached the hospital and knew this was the real thing, no drugs to stop it this time, we called Dr. Bill (the pediatrician, so he would know things were getting started).
They decided to break my water so that they could get things moving faster (I guess it's safer for the baby to have some real labor rather then just go in for the C section). When they broke my water they found that Katee had already had a bowel movement and decided there was really no time to wait. Every possible scenario had been explored prior to my ever going into labor and it was as if everyone knew their job. One tech was just to monitor the blood blister, another was to monitor the condition of the uterus, another for the placenta, one just for the baby. I was kind of used to all the monitors by now but not all the people, talk about loss of dignity. After lots of cosultations it was decided to let me try to deliver naturally, and only do a C section if something started to go wrong. I think every person that worked in the hospital came in to see how things were going. It seemed like an endless stream.
Finally after several hours of labor Katelynn made her debut. Her heart rate was low, her breathing labored and her apgar score was I think only a 4. She was wisked away. No cry, no peeks, nothing! I was terrified. There was a flurry of people at the opposite end of the room with her, and then a flurry of activity at my end as the after birth was tearing from the same side of my uterus as the blood blister. I remember being just terrified. I remember shutting everyone and everything out as I prayed my most fervent prayer for everything to be ok! For her for me for everyone!

Here we are today, with a beautiful daughter who completes us all! She is Earl's competition, Daniel's birthday present, Marcus' fashion consultant and Krysta's sister. No longer 8 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches long she is a delight to have in our family!

Dano and Katee I love you!
I know this year there were lots of jokes and teasing about birthdays being hijacked... but I hope one day you truly embrace this unique gift.
Thanks for letting me be your Mom! I truly prayed to be able to have both of you, and I continue to pray for you.

I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance... Alma 34:33

I REPENT!
In March of 2009 I posted a challenge on here...
I was to make a gift for the first 5 "commenters". DeAnn, Jessi, Denalee, Kandace and Sheri were the winners. For Jessi I knew what I wanted to do, for DeAnn I had an idea but needed to fine tune it. Kandace and Sheri are 2 of my adorable nieces who both were living far from home and I wanted to do something special but I didn't know what. Denalee, my sweet, amazing, inspirational, adorable and beautiful to the core cousin I had know idea what to do for her.
Well then life happened and I forgot. This last week at work I got thinking about it!
I still want to do this... so i hope you will forgive a forgetful mom and give me a few more months to do this. I have to rethink all my ideas. Jessi has graduated from high school so the idea I had for her wont work. DeAnn has a new calling so the idea so I must rethink her's too. Sheri has moved back home and Kandace will be home for the summer so they won't be needing a "don't miss home gift" and well Denalee is more my hero than ever... so hers has to be extra special. Especially since in all my forgetfullness I didn't help with the wig, that I REALLY wanted to help with.

an inspirational gift for you all... check out Denalee's new blog

and in Christ there should come every good thing. Moroni 7:22

So my friend issued a challenge to list "100 things about me now". Katee did it too and so therefore I am expected to do it too. I can't let her down. So here it goes.

1. Tonight I am exhausted.
2. Tomorrow is going to come too soon.
3. Tomorrow Krysta starts her second semester of college
4. I am really proud of her
5. I wish I could be there with her.
6. I am never going to get used to my bi-focals
7. When did I get old enough to have bi-focals?
8. I miss my nieces in VA.
9. I miss my other nieces too.
10. I have really amazing nieces.
11. I love changes... usually.
12. I hate to move.
13. 100 is a lot.
14. I wish I could go visit my aunt in Texas.
15. I have a really incredible extended family.
16. I wish I could spend A LOT more time with them.
17. I am trying to learn how to reduce my stress level.
18. I hate choosing between going for a long drive and staying in the budget!
19. I hate budgets.
20. Balancing the family budget DOES NOT reduce my stress level.
21. Reading reduces my stress, but it doesn't get the chores done.
22. Having the chores undone causes me stress.
23. Strange cycle huh?
24. Katee and I planted flowers yesterday.
25. Playing in the dirt reduces my stress.
26. Trying to keep those flowers alive causes me stress :o)
27. I really wanna go to Canton, MO.
28. I think going to Canton would reduce my stress (as long as I didn't think about the budget)
29. Tonight Marcus made chocolate cake.
30. To take to work!
31. Marcus wants to be on Biggest Loser.
32. I think he could do it.
33. I miss Dano.
34. He needs a new roof.
35. Katee thinks she just broke her toe.
36. Really I am only on 36?
37. I love Sunday!
38. I could have a whole month of Sundays and not get tired of it.
39. I love to sing.
40. I wish I could sing like my cousins.
41. Right now I could really go for a 7 layer salad.
42. I love winter.
43. I love the snowstorms.
44. I love the quietness of winter
45. I love the whiteness.
46. Is that a word?
47. I love hot chocolate and a good book during a winter storm.
48. I love the smell of homemade bread.
49. I could use a Motrin right now.
50. YAY, halfway!
51. I love the book, Third Nephi!
52. I love how it feels to read scriptures, especially when my family is all home.
53. I love Christmas.
54. I love Easter.
55. I really want a treadmill.
56. I am tryimg to figure out when my baby grew up.
57. In 6 weeks she will be a senior.
58. What do ya do when your kids leave home?
59. Marcus needs an off button tonight.
60. He is tormenting his sister!
61. I hate feet.
62. I love hands.
63. What do you think that means about me?
64. I need to go to Costco and buy pineapple and strawberries.
65. I need to finish sorting thru boxes in the garage.
66. I need to paint my nails.
67. Tonight Marcus also needs a volume control.
68. I love Marcus.
69. My husband cannot give directions.
70. His poor little sister is lost looking for our house.
71. I love my husband.
72. His little sister may not if she finally gets here.
73. One day I wanna serva mission.
74. I'd love to serve a temple mission or a church history mission.
75. I love genealogy.
76. I really stink at the research part of it.
77. I love hearing my ancestors stories.
78. I learned that a line of my dad's genalogy goes back to 160 A.D.
79. His grandfather was a king in Finland
80. Growing up we had forgien exchange students from Finland.
81. Before we knew he genealogy...cool huh!
82. My sister in law found us.
83. I need to go change the sprinklers.
84. Hmm only 84!
85. I am nervous for work tomorrow.
86. We just moved to a new building.
87. There have been a few kinks to work out.
88. I didn't think this would be so hard.
89. My favorite drink is ice water.
90. My favorite fruit is bananas
91. My favorite vegetable is petite peas.
92. I am not a huge fan of meat.
93. My favorite breakfast food is strawberry crepes
94. My favorite dinner food is tacos
95. My favorite ice cream is vanilla.
96. My favorite boy is Marcus
97. My favorite kid is Dano.
98. My favorite daughter is Krysta
99. My favorite baby is Katee.
100. My favorite of all is Earl. :o)

MADE IT!!
Now it's YOUR turn.

But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole

So I wonder if there will ever come a day when I hear these words. It seems like the last 8 months have been a big trial of my faith. Yet I do not seem to pass the test as this daughter did.

As a girl I have a vision of what the future would be and what life would be like. When I graduated from high school and went off to college I planned to graduate with a degree in early childhood education. I planned to put that degree to work at home. If I needed to work I could do it from home and be there for my kids. Well that didn't go as planned. In fact a lot of my life's plans didn't go as planned.

Here's the biggest hurdle for me ... getting over it!

When you set goals for your life and completing goals is how you have always defined your life. Where are you when at 42 those goals are all unfulfilled? Do my goals truly define me? Do my children define me? Does my job? My companion? My home? I thought they did. I thought they would.

I have spent the last 8 months reliving every mistake I ever made. Trying to decide which one took me so off course. Then it hit me, it wasn't my choices it was my faith. 15 years ago I made a choice I never truly had faith in. Since then I have not had the faith in myself to make choices. When it came to choices at work or in my church callings, those seemed easy. At work I just did what Jon, Lee and John told me to do, at church I knew the Priesthood leaders and the Lord would not let me go astray. In my life no such faith. Now I am in a place where I feel lost, confused and scared and wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch the hem of the Saviors robe and have him tell me I am whole.

What gives you the strength, faith and courage to make those hard choices?
What moves you to reach and grab "the hem" and KNOW that it will make you whole?

So this years journey ... FAITH TO MAKE ME WHOLE!