Sunday, February 21, 2010

But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole

So I wonder if there will ever come a day when I hear these words. It seems like the last 8 months have been a big trial of my faith. Yet I do not seem to pass the test as this daughter did.

As a girl I have a vision of what the future would be and what life would be like. When I graduated from high school and went off to college I planned to graduate with a degree in early childhood education. I planned to put that degree to work at home. If I needed to work I could do it from home and be there for my kids. Well that didn't go as planned. In fact a lot of my life's plans didn't go as planned.

Here's the biggest hurdle for me ... getting over it!

When you set goals for your life and completing goals is how you have always defined your life. Where are you when at 42 those goals are all unfulfilled? Do my goals truly define me? Do my children define me? Does my job? My companion? My home? I thought they did. I thought they would.

I have spent the last 8 months reliving every mistake I ever made. Trying to decide which one took me so off course. Then it hit me, it wasn't my choices it was my faith. 15 years ago I made a choice I never truly had faith in. Since then I have not had the faith in myself to make choices. When it came to choices at work or in my church callings, those seemed easy. At work I just did what Jon, Lee and John told me to do, at church I knew the Priesthood leaders and the Lord would not let me go astray. In my life no such faith. Now I am in a place where I feel lost, confused and scared and wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch the hem of the Saviors robe and have him tell me I am whole.

What gives you the strength, faith and courage to make those hard choices?
What moves you to reach and grab "the hem" and KNOW that it will make you whole?

So this years journey ... FAITH TO MAKE ME WHOLE!


The Burila Bunch said...

I read something similar to this in a book once. An onlooker was shown a man that was an alcoholic, his life from the outside looked horrible. Why did the man choose this life. Didn't he know that he could have been more. Well, then the eyes of the onlooker were opened. He could see that the test was how others reacted to the man. Not the path the man was now on. The Lord knew the heart of this alcholic; and the reasons and choices that were made that brought the man to these circumstances. It is the same with you, it is the same with all of us. Looking back we think we made mistakes(based on the preception of normalcy or ideal) but we can't really tell, if it was truly a mistake or a path the Lord already understood we would take. The Lord looks on the heart not the outward appearance, or your circumistance compared to another persons. Your life may be a test of others faith. Faith is a gift of the Spirit, it is good to seek after it. But we should always remember this about gifts of the spirit, "To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby" D&C 46:12 The gifts of the spirit are used to help each other on this journey. Sometimes we have to say "Help thou my unbelief" and wait for an angel or something or someone else to lift us.

Denalee said...

Wow Tash. You've given me a lot to think about. I'll be commenting again in a couple of days after I've digested all of this. Way to make me think! But this I know: You are amazing! I haven't been privy to your unmet goals, but I have felt of your spirit. Again, you are amazing. I love you.

Mama D said...

This is what I know: Letting go is one of the hardest lessons of life. Finding faith when life is easy is... well, easy. It is when life is really dark and difficult that our faith is tried.

All I have figured out for myself is that when life seems faithless and hopeless, the only thing I know how to do is to dig deep and not give up.

Sometimes life stinks, and it isn't our choices but those of others that are often the hardest to deal with.

Tasha, you are like me and hate to feel out of control of situations. We want to fix everything. Guess what? We can't always do that. And that is the test of faith. Do we trust our Father and our Savior to pick up the pieces and make up the difference after our best efforts that fall - oh so short - of our goals?

For what it's worth, even with your trials and quote, unquote "failures," your faith puts mine to shame. You are a faithful daughter of God and He loves you and is proud of your efforts, even when they aren't "good enough" in your own eyes.

I love you, too, and have been praying for you and your family. Wish I was there in person to hug you and cry with you. Love you!!

DeAnn said...

Life is what happens when you are making other plans.

The last few months I also have faced the reality of unmet dreams and actually gone through the process of letting them go an mourning it. Don't beat yourself for it -- but do let yourself feel the pain and mourn the passing of dreams unfulfilled. I'm trying to open myself up to the dreams God has for me - and maybe had for me all along.

Kandace Welch said...

Thanks for reminding me that it's not what we're connected to on earth that defines who we are but the faith we have in our Father in Heaven. That's a hard lesson to learn and follow. Sometimes I think that Jesus was a little bit of Heaven on Earth and we won't be made whole by Him till we're with Him, but that's denying the power He has given us not only in the priesthood but also through our own faith. Through faith all things are possible, that doesn't mean we can climb Mount Everest but we can do what the Lord has in store for us.